I have endured suffering throughout my life, but in the last six years, the suffering has been so intense that I thought I would die because of it. In that period of time I went through the breakup of my marriage, both my parents died and I was diagnosed with cancer. All that suffering brought me spiritual benefits. Suffering has been for me, one of the most valuable gifts God has given me. It has been a true "school", where I have learned patience, compassion for others and the way to express it; as well as to accept everything from God's hands. I'm most grateful for my personal suffering, because it has brought me much closer to God.

Suffering well makes us better persons. It matures us emotionally and spiritually if we accept it out of love and in obedience to God; and if we try to bear it, seeking comfort and strength in God. Countless times I have felt saddened, depressed, exhausted physically, emotionally or spiritually. But every single time that I have sought God, He has always given me His grace so I could continue on my pilgrimage to Him.

In this document I will tell the reader about some of my experiences, in the hope of being able to be of some help, to those who find themselves in similar circumstances.

The diagnosis

In the month of February in 2000, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a rare type of cancer of the bone marrow, which is where our body manufactures the blood. Since then I've gone through hundreds of days of chemotherapy, as a patient in the hospital or as an outpatient. Even though it might seem incredible, finding out that I have cancer was almost a relief. I had five painful spontaneous, unexplained fractures; three of them in two of my ribs and a vertebrae, as a result of the cough due to a common cold. I had been examined by five doctors and had spoken to six more, until one of them (the rheumatologist), had the brilliant idea of running a special test to detect a certain type of protein in the blood. Unfortunately he waited from November (when he ran this test), until I went back for consultation in February. It was then that he looked at the results of the test and diagnosed my cancer.

When I finally got to see the hematologist oncologist, he started me on a chemotherapy treatment that unfortunately did not work so he tried other treatments. During the period of six months I had to be admitted to the hospital for five or six days, for three other types of chemo that did not produced the desired effects either. According to the bone biopsy done at the time of diagnosis, I had 20% cancer in my bones. Yet after all that chemo, I had 81% when the doctor did the next biopsy. It was as if instead of killing the cancer, they had been feeding it.

When the doctor gave me the bad news about the increase in cancer cells, I asked him how much time I had left. He said: "less than a year". I told him I would not accept that diagnosis, because God had promised me more time than that. The only real alternative the doctor gave me was an experimental treatment with arsenic (the poison!), and vitamin C. Since I had nothing to loose, after praying, investigating further and speaking with my five children, I accepted the doctor's offer.

The experimental treatment

For months I went to the hospital daily in order to receive the treatment with arsenic and vitamin C. I withstood six terrible cycles of five weeks each, with two weeks rest in between, followed by a bone marrow biopsy after each cycle. Mondays and Fridays I had to undergo an electrocardiograms, blood work, etc. in order to find out if I was already in danger of serious complications due to effects of the arsenic. They also tested me to find out how many healthy platelets, red and white cells in my blood survived, after the cancer cells were killed. Needless to say, I had a number of blood transfusions, not to even mention all the other terrible effects of that experimental chemotherapy treatment.

Unfortunately, one of the bad side effects of arsenic is that it damages the immune system, because like most chemo, it destroys the good cells in the blood along with the cancerous ones. In addition to that, the type of cancer I have has the same effect in the blood, along with the destruction of bone tissue. Thus, for a long time I've been fighting infections. I was hospitalized for three weeks because of septicemia, due to an infection in the port - the catheter inserted in the cava vein for administering chemo. I was home for a week and again I had to be hospitalized due to pneumonia and in order to remove the infected catheter and place a new one in the vein. However, God did not will my death at that time either and I survived to continue the treatment with arsenic. I was the first patient in the U.S. to finish the six cycles and survive, and I was even interviewed by a local TV channel.

During the second week of hospitalization due to pneumonia, when I began to recover, I had other complications: "opportunistic diseases" because my immune system was so compromised. For example, shingles (which caused my greatest distress), sinusitis (as a result of which I've permanently lost my sense of smell and taste), an also very painful phlebitis in both arms due to the constant administration of intravenous substances, and several other infections. Of course, because my bones are so weak and I was coughing hard, another rib cracked.

One night when I was hospitalized, after having endured many IV's and other shots in my arms, I had a problem with my veins. The new catheter placed in my cava vein could not be used for 48 hours. However, all the medication had to be administered intravenously. A sister in Christ joined me in praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and we prayed to Sister Faustina - Apostle of Divine Mercy - for her intercession. (At that time she had not been canonized yet.) She heard our prayers! After three nurses tried three times each to access a vein in my arm and failed, another nurse said: "let me try". And miraculously she succeeded!

During this stay at the hospital I learned much where it concerns the infinite value of suffering, not only for us but also for others. I meditated much more than ever on Christ's passion, and I thanked God for having showered so many graces on me during that difficult time in my life. He not only gave me the strength to continue trying to survive, but also the great honor of sharing his cross, even though I am not worthy of doing so.

What helped me to endure all my suffering was remembering what Jesus did for us on the cross. Every time I was pinched with a needle I thought about Jesus being crowned with thorns and I would say to him: "This is such a small offering Lord, compared to what you suffered in order to save me." And when the nurse tore two small pieces of skin along with a bandage (to which I had an allergic reaction) and it hurt so much, I remembered how Jesus was brutally scourged, a cape was placed on his bleeding back, and then violently removed. According to scientific accounts, a great part of his blood soaked skin was removed, along with the cape. What excruciating pain he endured for us! It was his love for us that led him to accept the cross and remain on it, even though others were screaming at him to come down and save himself.

It has been providential for me, that my greatest suffering because of this disease took place during the month in which we Catholics honor the Sacred Heart of Jesus. What a beautiful love gift I was able to give Jesus! I offered my suffering - and I am still doing so - for the pro-life movement, for Human Life International and its Hispanic Division Vida Humana Internacional of which I am the executive director and which God moved Father Paul Marx and I to establish, and for the pro-life/family organizations affiliated with it in the Hispanic world.

God gave me the gift of joy during that time in my life when I almost died, and he taught me that I must not fear death or suffering, because he is always with me.

Preparing for the transplant

The doctor told me that the level of cancer in my bones had come down with the help of arsenic and Thalidomide, both of which were administered to me for months. It was time now to prepare for a stem cell transplant, using my own cells. Since the type of cancer that I have is incurable, it was only a matter of lengthening my life as much as possible.

Two weeks before my transplant I was so exhausted from all those battles over the course of the previous two years, that I did not have the strength to continue fighting to survive. I knew many more difficulties and suffering lay ahead. I had read that this type of transplant is a long, difficult and dangerous procedure, which has a long recovery period.

I found myself "at the feet of a huge mountain", which I knew I had to climb but did not have the strength to even start. There are moments in one's life when one suddenly feels in one's heart, the weight of many years of suffering. It was as if I had fallen under the weight of my cross and did not have the strength to get up. Up until that point, God had given me a supernatural strength, which filled me with optimism, energy and even spiritual joy. But it was as if at that moment he had taken it all back, perhaps so that I could realize how weak and fragile I am and how much I depend on Him. The words of St. Paul took on a greater meaning for me, and I grabbed on to that promise with all my heart: "I have the strength to face all conditions, by the power that Christ gives me". (Philippians 4:13) Christ said: "I am the vine and your are the branches. Whoever remains in me, and I in him, will bear much fruit; for you can do nothing without me". (John 15:5) Meditating on those words I came to understand better than ever, that it is truly and personally Jesus who strengthens us.

Before I could receive the transplant I had to undergo a procedure called "aphaeresis", during which the stem cells were to be collected. A much bigger catheter, which was three-pronged, was surgically inserted in my cava vein. Through one of the tubes the blood was withdrawn, through the other anti-coagulant was administered, and through the third one the blood was returned to my body. The objective was to separate the immature stem cells from the rest of the blood, in order to make them float on top of it so they could be collected.

During that procedure I had a complication: my calcium level went dangerously down and I began to experience what felt like electric currents all over my body. Both of my hands became stiff and numb. I couldn't move my fingers! At that moment I was afraid I was having a stroke and I couldn't stop the tears, the discouragement and the despair that came over me. Yet again Jesus strengthened me. I stayed in the hospital that night and after administering medications, they were able to continue the process of gathering the stem cells. However, they were not able to collect as many cells as were necessary for the transplant, but my doctor decided to go ahead with it anyway because it was the best decision where it concerns my health.

Admittance to the hospital

On October 7, 2002 - the Catholic Church's Feast of Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary - I was admitted to the hospital. Being admitted on such a feast gave me the encouragement for what lay ahead. I thought to myself: "I have spent so much time in this hospital, that it's practically my second home."

The first week wasn't easy. On the first day I was given an extremely high dose of Melphalen, a very powerful chemo. I was informed that it was ten times stronger than the dose regularly given cancer patients. On the second day, my own stem cells - which had been extracted and frozen - were given back to me intravenously.

After the chemotherapy, I could no longer hold anything in my stomach for any period of time. Nausea was a constant part of my life when I was awake, nothing they gave me could make me keep food or liquids down. For the 24 days I was in the hospital I survived on IV's. The very few times I was able to keep some liquid down were through the help of prayer. But even praying became very difficult, because the nausea was so intense. With all my heart I asked the Lord to please stabilize my stomach, not only because I felt very weak, but also because my left jaw (affected by my cancer), was hurting from throwing up so much.

Listen, be patient and persevere

One morning I fell into a minor depression, because I still could not keep food or liquids in my stomach and I was so weak. Again I felt I didn't have the strength to go on and I stopped trying to eat or drink anything. To top it all off, the pain in my scalp while my hair was falling out, bothered me a lot when I laid my head on the pillow. I called out to God in tears and again he came to my rescue in an unexpected way. The nurse very gently explained that I had a negative attitude, which would make my recovery longer. I than realized that I had indeed fallen into the trap of negativity. God speaks some times through those whom we least expect him to.

I then remembered that God sometimes heals through music, and I played an audiotape that contained religious music, which I knew would give me a message of consolation and strength. The lyrics of the first religious song "Friend, do not fear, I will always be with you in your journey", reminded me of Jesus' promise. The lyrics also said that God cares for the birds and the flowers of the field "and they're not more valuable than you". If our Heavenly Father adorns the fields with such beautiful flowers, which last only a day, of course he will put in our soul over and over again, the love and the strength we need to face difficult circumstances. I ended up singing, dancing and praising God! It was another personal encounter with God, which strengthened me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

We should be attentive to God's word and obedient to His will, if we want to receive his special graces. If I had ignored the nurse's advice, I would have continued to have the same defeatist attitude, which would have led me to feel sorry for myself. I probably would not have received all those wonderful graces from God. We must be open to his word, obey him, be patient and persevere.

St. Teresa of Jesus told us in her poem "Do not be disturbed by anything": "…trust and a live faith will remain in your soul." In thinking about this my frame of mind changed so dramatically, that I had the courage to ask the nurse to please shave my head because my hair was falling out anyway. I thanked God when I looked at myself in the mirror. I did not feel sorrow. Instead I was proud to show off my baldness, one of the scars caused by the difficult battle I had been fighting against cancer.

Now, when I get depressed over what I'm going through and I don't even feel like praying, I listen to cheerful religious music. Then I start to sing to God as He asks us to do in the Bible: "…sing hymns and psalms to the Lord with praise in your hearts." And I always end up thanking him and praising him, no matter what.

We need the love of our family and friends

There is scientific evidence that love and moral support by family and/or friends, help hasten the healing of those who are ill. Studies show great differences where it concerns the time that seriously ill people survive. Those who receive the love and support live longer, versus those who don't. One of the studies, conducted at the University of Texas, asked patients if they regularly participated in a support group. For example, a religious service at a church. They were also asked if doing so brought them comfort and renewed their strength. Six months after they underwent their treatment, those who answered no to both questions had seven times more probabilities of not surviving than those who answered yes. Another study at the University of Los Angeles (UCLA) was done with members of support groups who had surgery to remove a melanoma type of cancer. After their surgery some of the patients participated in support groups for six weeks, while the rest simply went home. Five years later investigators found that among those who did not participate in any support group there were three times more deaths and twice as many metastases than among those who did participate. ("Cancer Recovery Today", newsletter of the Cancer Recovery Foundation of America.)

Truly, the love and moral support that other people can provide is a basic necessity for those of us who are ill. Not receiving it is harmful. And offering someone who is seriously ill euthanasia or assisted suicide is even more harmful! Those of us who are in that terrible predicament of suffering from a devastating disease, desperately need true compassion, not the false compassion offered by the promoters of euthanasia and assisted suicide. For those of us who are ill, it is most important and vital to receive the love and encouragement of our family and/or friends.

It is true that as St. Teresa of Jesus says, "God alone is enough for us". With the strength that God gives us we could continue our pilgrimage on this Earth completely alone if we had to. However, the love that other human beings give us at difficult times in our lives, does for us what rain does for flowers: it feeds them and makes it possible for them to bloom in the most beautiful way. The human love we receive gladdens our soul and transforms us into more humane, compassionate persons, giving us the strength to face our suffering.

On the road to recovery from the transplant

The time came for me to leave the hospital after the transplant and I didn't have anyone to help me at home, since I live alone. I had talked to several people and tried to hire two different persons but shortly before I was to go home, both of them called me to cancel. From the beginning I had trusted God and had prayed for him to give me the strength to take care of myself, if I couldn't get anyone to help me. Again, his grace came to my rescue, because I was able to take care of myself during that difficult month that I spent recovering at home.

Every time that I have needed anything that I could not take care of by myself, God has sent me human angels to help me. A friend and sister in Christ who is a psychiatrist helped me with some of my spiritual and psychological needs. I owe a lot of my emotional recovery to her. Another good friend who is like a sister to me, a couple from my parish and several other people, also came to my aid.

Trust in God!

Recently my oncologist told me that even though my cancer seems to finally be in remission (at least for now), I now have another serious disease called Myelodisplastic Syndrome, due to the huge amounts of chemotherapy I received or as a complication because of the type of cancer I have. My bone marrow is not producing enough of the blood cells my body needs (red, white and platelets), and some of the ones it produces are abnormal. For the rest of my life I might have to continue to receive frequent transfusions and medication to stimulate the production of blood cells so I can survive longer, since complete healing is not possible. Among other risks, I am in danger where it concerns possible infection and/or hemorrhaging. Also, the doctor warned me that I have up to an 80% probability of developing acute leukemia.

Nevertheless, I am not afraid. On the contrary, my soul is full of joy because Jesus showered upon me extraordinary graces at a mass I attended, right after I got the bad news from my doctor. Seconds after receiving Holy Communion, I saw a smile in the face of the image of Jesus, on the wall behind the altar. He told me then, that he would be my doctor and he has fulfilled that promise. I am not receiving any medication because of my two conditions, yet most of the time I feel as if I were totally healthy.

There are people who think that religion is just a crutch to lean on through life's difficult circumstances. Many say that faith is a belief in "something" or "someone" intangible, and to a certain point that is true. However, it is much more than that. The truth is that real faith, fruitful faith, the type of faith that grows more each day if we nourish it with prayer, spiritual reading and the sacraments (the latter for those of us who are Catholics); is not something intangible that we have imagined or invented for ourselves. It is an intimate and personal relationship with our Creator, who is more real than the light we see or the air we breathe. Our God loves us so much, that he is involved even in the most insignificant events of our life. He is attentive to our every need and he gives us everything we need or want, if it's for our own wellbeing.

Throughout my terrible odyssey, which will continue or not according to God's will, I have never been totally alone. Jesus has always made his presence known to me in many ways. I have had and still have, the great blessing and the joy of having many people praying for me even in foreign countries. These are wonderful people that I have met through my work and my travels in defense of life and family. I have received many letters, cards and calls from leaders of the Hispanic pro-life movement, during the difficult times I've endured. All these brothers and sisters will always be in my heart, and I have offered to God the suffering caused by my disease, that they may be successful in their valiant efforts. Their countries are under attacks against life/family, and they are having to wage very great battles.

A special message for those who have cancer or another deadly disease

Dear patient :

Our survival depends a lot on our attitude. I have read that those who are seriously ill but they have a positive attitude, an active life and the will to live, survive for a longer period of time. Don't let anything rob you of your peace, sadden you or depress you. Smile always, no matter what happens, because God loves you and cares for you. St. Paul the Apostle tells us: "May you always be joyful in your union with the Lord. I say it again: rejoice! Show a gentle attitude toward everyone. The Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:4-7) When I momentarily forget what God has taught me - that everything that happens is for our own good, even our suffering - I mentally repeat the words of St. Paul: "Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times." (Romans 14: 12) The hope of someday being in the presence of Christ gives me spiritual joy, which helps me to remain firm through prayer, during my time of tribulation.

Don't fear suffering. When I was diagnosed with cancer and I read about the possible complications and how painful they could be during the last stages of my disease, I felt great fear. I was not afraid of death, but of the suffering that might precede it. However, the Lord led me to read a Biblical quote, which quieted my soul and reminded me again that he will be with me until the end. Nothing will happen to me that I cannot face, with the help of his grace. Through Psalm 40 -The Prayer of a Sick Man - (41 in other Bibles), God spoke to me and told me that he will alleviate my pain.

God promises us: "But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak." (Isaiah 40:31) Jesus himself told us: "Do not be worried and upset, believe in God and believe also in me…Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid." (John 14: 1, 27) If you unite your sufferings to those of Christ on the cross, by accepting them out of love for God and offering them to him, you will see their fruits in eternity.

Because you are facing a serious disease and the possibility of death, you have probably already realized the great value of life, a gift from God. Treasure it, enjoy it as much as possible. Tell your family and friends that you love them. Live each day as if it were your last one, for you do not know when it will arrive. Use wisely whatever time you have left; it is God's gift to you, so you can prepare yourself to live with him for eternity. Try to get closer to him each day through prayer, meditation and the sacraments (the latter if you are a Catholic). Someone asked St. Angela of Merici, the founder of the Ursuline Sisters, what advise she would give to those who want to be good. She answered: "Behave each day as you wish you would have, when your time comes to die and give account of yourself before God."

Do not fear death, God himself loves you and cares for you. He will receive you in his loving arms, where you will be throughout eternity. Say to the Lord and mean it with all your heart: "But my trust is in you O Lord; you are my God. I am always in your care…" (Psalm 31: 14)

May God bless you and increase your faith, your patience and your strength, so you can continue to endure your suffering joyfully.

NOTE: This document, finished February 9, 2003, is the intellectual property of the author and of Vida Humana Internacional (VHI), the Hispanic Division of Human Life International. VHI and the author allow it to be reproduced if no unauthorized changes in the text are made and it is distributed free. VHI is a Catholic missionary educational organization that offers in its website at www.vidahumana.org, a great deal of information in Spanish on over 20 issues connected with the defense of human life and the family, as well as a catalogue of its educational materials. The VHI website includes a section in English. You can contact VHI at: 45 S.W. 71 Ave, Miami, Fl, 33144, U.S.A. Ph: 305-260-0525. Fax: 305-260-0595.