Child abuse has become rampant in the U.S. and other countries. So has abuse of the elderly. Even though the majority of abuse victims are women, children and the elderly; incredible as it may seem; men are also victims at the hands of women. However, this brochure will focus specifically on abused women and how to help them.

How is violence defined?

Just a few years ago, it was believed that hitting or battering someone was the only type of violence. However, modern psychology has given us new insights into the emotional needs of human beings. Now we know that there's another type of violence that also inflicts damage on human beings : verbal or psychological abuse.

When a person's self-esteem is systematically destroyed through insults, criticism, rejection and/or abandonment, this also constitutes violence. There is no doubt that some times the blows to the human spirit can be much more damaging than the blows to the body. They can leave deeper scars, though they are unseen. However, the woman who is being psychologically abused, whose spirit is receiving the blows, has no physical wounds as proof of this abuse, so she does not receive the help she desperately needs.

Because this type of violence takes place mostly in the privacy of the home, it goes undetected and unreported for the most part; some times for many years. Unfortunately, verbal abuse generally precedes physical violence.

When a woman is pressured to abort (which is an act of violence against an innocent unborn child), to use harmful contraceptives and/or abortifacients or to have herself sterilized; all these are also acts of violence against her.

Why do many women remain in an abusive relationship?

Victims of verbal abuse often believe that it is not a type of abuse that is serious enough to try to stop it. Some fear that they won't be believed if they accuse the abuser, for many times he has a very good public image. Women who are receiving beatings are afraid of reprisals on the part of the aggressors because at times the threaten to kill them. Others are afraid of facing life alone or they simply don't have the means to do so. Some times someone the victim respects tells her to remain in that abusive relationship, "for the good of the children". In the case of the wife of an alcoholic or a drug addict, she is a codependent of her spouse or boyfriend. Codependency is a psychological illness that requires treatment by a psychologist of psychiatrist.

Domestic violence is a contagious disease

In dysfunctional homes where one spouse abuses the other, child abuse is common. To abuse a child is not just to hit him or her. Screaming, putting down, excessive punishment or denial of attention, are types of abuse. Acceptance and love are indispensable for the child's emotional and social development. In the case of divorced parents, it is also an act of violence to speak in derogatory terms of the ex-spouse in front of the children, or to use them to hurt the other spouse.

Unfortunately , when a woman is suffering any type of violence at the hands of her spouse or boyfriend, she is so intent on defending herself, that she often does not realize that her children are also being psychologically damaged. Some times a woman puts up with this type of physical or verbal abuse because she feels powerless to stop it, not even where it concerns her own self.

Domestic violence has become very common, many could become victims or victimizers. Even religious people are not immune to this type of violence because it is an emotional or psychological disease that must be treated by professionals.

All who are involved in the circle of violence are emotionally ill and in need of help.

Until the facts are known, they cannot receive assistance. A family that finds itself in this situation does not benefit from keeping this horrible secret. Its members should be encouraged to seek help from a priest, pastor and/or psychologist or psychiatrist.

Domestic violence has serious consequences, especially for children. Probably most of those after effects will not surface for many years. Some times male children become victimizers themselves and the girls end up being victims just like their mothers. Children that have grown up in a violent home have a greater risk of ending up as criminals.

What can the victim do if the victimizer refuses to get help or to accept it?

When all the efforts to solve this problem fail, the attacks continue and the mental and physical health of the woman (or the man if she is the attacker), is being seriously damaged, the victim has the right and even the duty to escape and find refuge with her family, friends, or at special shelters in the city where she lives. It is not God's will for someone to remain in a situation of abuse, either physical or emotional. She should seek help for herself, her children and if possible for her victimizer too.

Because there is no mutual respect, love dies in an long term abusive relationship.

According to The Code of Canon Law of the Catholic Church :

"A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local Ordinary, or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority. In all cases, when the reason for separation ceases, the common conjugal life is to be restored, unless otherwise provided by ecclesiastical authority." (No.1153)

Then the Church accepts divorce?

Of course not! Physical separation is not the equivalent of divorce. The latter implies the intent of destroying a conjugal bond validly entered into, where it concerns the Catholic Church. This bond cannot be broken. In that case, the divorced couple cannot re-marry, unless their marriage has been declared annulled by Church authorities. Physical separation under these circumstances is not a sin but a legitimate right the victim has to protect herself and her children, if there are any. Every person is a child of God and is entitled to have his or her life and dignity respected.

Let us offer help to both the victims and the victimizers

The Catholic Church in the U.S. offers special help. The bishops issued in 1992 a document called "When I Ask for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women". Domestic violence should also be a concern for those who claim to be pro-life. All who value every human life should be alert and ready to offer assistance to victims and their victimizers, so that they can end the vicious circle they are in and recover their sense of dignity as children of God.

Bibliography: "Apuntes de vida y fe", a book by psychologist Jesus Arina. Conference on codependency by psychologist Doris Amaya at the Archdiocesan retreat on this subject, which took place February 11, 1996 at the Spiritual Life Carmelite Center in Miami. "Psychologist Affirms that Violence Begets Violence", published in "Diario Las Americas" newspaper, March 4, 1998. "Children: Forgotten Victims of Domestic Violence", by Dade County, Florida District Attorney, Katherine Fernandez Rundle, published in "Diario Las Americas", November 3, 1999.

If you would like additional information on this subject, consult the section on domestic violence (in Spanish and English) in Vida Humana Internacional's website : www.vidahumana.org

You can also obtain another brochure on the same subject titled : "Words of Wisdom About Domestic Violence". Ask for our free catalog.